Don't Trust Snakes

A new candidate member of the Don't Trust Snakes Politburo of T-shirts

Would you buy one? Hypothetically, I mean, since I've sold exactly one item ever.

Introducing the NEW Don't Trust Snakes T-shirt!

Let everyone know you're thinking like MWR this summer when you sport the latest fashionable addition to the Don't Trust Snakes line of products at the Don't Trust Snakes CafePress Store.

This 100% organic cotton tee features the above understated-yet-colorful zinger on the front and the Don't Trust Snakes masthead on the back. When you are tired of wearing it, simply pull up from the bottom and remove your head and arms from the shirt. No need for costly lasers.

Labels: Don't Trust Snakes merchandise

Bumper Stickers

I don't have any bumper stickers on my car. Back in the day, I put my college and law school stickers on the family's orange Volvo station wagon, but that was different, furthering the goal of distracting people from the fact that I was driving an orange Volvo station wagon. I also put a vintage tourism decal for Celilo Falls on the side window of my last car, because it was just too cool not to (the sticker, not the car). Look up Celilo Falls and you will see why.

But, as I said, I don't have any bumper stickers on my car. It's like tattoos, I'm not opposed to them beyond all reason and good sense, but I can't think of anything I'm sure I'll still want there years from now. Occasionally I ponder whether to apply one I found in, of all places, the Marc Jacobs boutique in the West Village. It resembles a "One-Way" street sign except the arrow points in both directions and the text reads "Nobody Saw Me Do It". Although this does express a certain philosophy of life (and driving) that I sympathize with, I still worry that I might not want to broadcast it from my car indefinitely.

What I find most baffling are the stickers some other people choose to adorn their vehicles, out of all those available. Today I was behind an SUV with an outsized, almost square sticker, its basic black on white suggesting a custom job, that read as follows:

My retirement plan iswith Smith & Wessonand Smith & Wesson saysBANG!
Now, those of you who were born after, say, the late 1960s, will not recognize this as an obscure and inexact reference to an old ad campaign for the EF Hutton brokerage firm. You saw two people conversing in a noisy setting and one would say "Well, my broker is EF Hutton, and EF Hutton says . . ." [SUDDEN SILENCE, followed by narration "When EF Hutton talks, people listen."] Now, that was a fine campaign, but it surely ended no later than the mid 1980s (Shearson acquired EF Hutton in 1987). Moreover, I suspect the bumper sticker's author was confusing EF Hutton with Smith Barney. Now isn't that an incredibly long way to go for a joke that really isn't much of one, and that depends on a reference to a 1980s TV ad for—it turns out—the wrong brokerage house? What's wrong with the classic "Insured by Smith & Wesson" (oh, very droll)? Or the actually amusing "Nothing in this Truck is Worth Your Life"?

Really, people's micro-choices about self-presentation fascinate me. Bumper stickers just seem to boil it down to the essence.

That reminds me, the Don't Trust Snakes store at CafePress.com is still offering my bumper sticker as well as an assortment of fine Don't Trust Snakes merchandise, including mugs, a logo T-shirt and other items (including my bumper sticker). I am confident that the Don't Trust Snakes store is the only place on the web where you can buy a T-shirt depicting a cobra thinking about cheating you at Three-Card Monte. But if you find one elsewhere, I'll beat that competitor's price.

(The bumper sticker shown at the beginning of this post is not yet for sale, pending a determination on whether it violates applicable laws governing libel and fraud.)

Labels: Don't Trust Snakes merchandise