Monday's finest local news
I think I’ll have another crack at synopsizing the local news. Please comment and tell me whether this is amusing and should continue, or tedious and should stop.
Breaking news: climbing accident/rescue on Mt. Rainier. It doesn’t look good for the missing climbers, who were spotted motionless just before nightfall. _____"New details" about a murder in Bellevue. I think if you put a reporter at the scene at 11 p.m. to introduce a taped report, that constitutes “new details.” Friends say the victim was trying to start a new life. “Police aren’t saying much.” No details about the suspect, 29, but the coded local-news subtext is that he will turn out to have been insane. _____ King County Jail employees accused of sexually abusing an inmate. _____Three Ft. Lewis soldiers killed in Iraq. _____Beating in Sultan: Police are seeking a suspect, and the newscast has a headshot of him looking suspicious indeed. _____ Police arrested some people in a UW dorm invasion robbery. _____ A "surprise" from Republicans: they say it was out-and-out fraud in the gubernatorial election. The judge isn’t buying it. _____ More "tainted gas." Blame it on a heavy polymer. Stupid polymer! _____ Pierce County crimestoppers sent in photos of a couple wanted in robberies. I guess they were caught or something. Not sure what this has to do with anything, or why these photos are newsworthy. _____
Some family in Thurston County is trying to get on Extreme Makeover Home Edition. Thanks for the "live report" at 11:06 p.m. from somewhere dark near their bad current home. The home was "ravaged by toxic mold, then ravaged by insurance that wouldn’t pay." The family’s friends held a large rally in support of their candidacy, according to friends’ spokesperson Tiffany Shakespeare. ("I know, mother, I didn’t believe it either."). If this were 100 years ago and that family needed a barn, and that crowd showed up, there would now be a barn. But there would not have been a giant hand-lettered banner imploring ABC to build the barn. _____ A 911 glitch sent fire teams to the wrong lumberyard. The two lumberyards had the same name but were in different towns. Something tells me they won’t be able to pin this one on Vonage. Also, a fire destroyed "of all things, a kiln." Oh, that’s RICH! _____ The Lahar Siren Test was a success. It is not a scary siren at all. If it were a ringtone it might be called "Pied Piper" or "Jollity." Which would be fine if the siren were not warning of a superheated mud flow and/or "a Doom-metal band from Groningen, the Netherlands." _____ A rally opposed military recruiting at some high school: kids said the money being spent on the war should be spent on public education. What a shock. _____ Fight in a school bus. The driver got off easier than the kid. The kid’s parents weren’t happy about that. [TEASERS. COMMERCIAL BREAK]
We now know the names of the missing climbers. _____ States have been told they don’t have to pay for Viagra for sex offenders. A Johns Hopkins doctor notes that this drug might make it less likely for these people to reoffend, by making it easier for them to have appropriate partnerships. However, his video segment is practically shouted down by next video segment expressing a more predictable position. _____ Confirmation filibuster compromise in the Senate. Obviously, this is the top story of the night, but it comes after the first break. Typical. _____ The President of Ireland is in town. _____ One year since a BYU student vanished in Corvallis. _____ The father of missing Idaho children is not a suspect despite failing a lie detector. Authorities think he was just upset when he took the test. Note: you have just learned something important—remember it. _____ Spokane Mayor Jim West plans to stay on. He denies molesting young boys "more than 20 years ago." (Also, as God is his witness, he is not an angel dust dealer!). Back to his actual comments, does it really add much to a categorical denial to stress how very long ago the alleged bad behavior never occurred? _____ A plan to help traffic in Seattle could actually make traffic worse in the short run. Unheard of. _____ Fare hike on the Washington State Ferries. Wow, in only nine more years, ferry riders will actually be paying their own way 100%. I had no idea that was even a goal. I’m impressed. _____ A giant shot of the moon superimposed over the skyline. What an effect. Yes, it is clear again. A warming trend this week. The barbecue in the long-range forecast graphic (on Wednesday, I believe) looks like some kind of ceremonial brazier. Perhaps not unlike one used by Spokane Mayor Jim West in some nefarious rituals. [COMMERCIAL BREAK]
NBA playoffs: how good is Shaq when he’s hurt? Answer seems to be not quite good enough to top the Pistons. _____ Nate McMillan is weighing his options and giving extremely diplomatic interviews. _____ M’s had the day off. _____ Dontrelle Willis may be the most dominating pitcher in MLB right now. _____ Defending women’s champion out in the first round at the French Open. Somewhat surprisingly, this has never happened before. _____ Basketball dance team made up of senior citizens. [COMMERCIAL BREAK]
Yep, a black bear took a dip in a family’s pool in California. The denouement featured a tranquilizer gun. Goodnight.
Labels: television
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