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Wednesday, July 16, 2008

The Spell Book of Roderick Rage


Fortune smiled on me during a recent trip to one of the neighborhood dungeons (not that kind of dungeon). Our party surprised a band of kobalds and got back to the surface with some of their most precious treasures, notably:
  • two bushels of gold pieces

  • a sapphire the size of a plover's egg

  • a cloak of invisibility (torso only)

  • 14.2 gallons of Shell V-Power premium gasoline

  • The Spell Book of Roderick Rage, the Road-Rage Mage

It's this last one that has me excited. Here are some excerpts:

For the tardy carriages at the beacon of movement, speaketh thee loudly within thine owne carriage: "IT DOESN'T GET ANY GREENER!"
From within thine owne carriage, its transparent barriers fully in place, say unto him that would better advance his carriage sooner from the beacon of movement or the crimson octagon: "TODAY WOULD BE GOOD!"
To the carriageman who would not sprightly make a left or right turn, but instead wait until Doomsday or the Gods know what other distant time: "MOVE, YOU MORON!"
To that one who traveleth at the merest fraction of the carriage's proper speed, impeding thy progress: "IS IT THAT NICE IN YOUR CAR?! DO YOU WANT TO SIT IN YOUR CAR ALL DAY OR DO YOU WANT TO GET WHERE YOU ARE GOING?!?"
To him whose carriage moveth not as it should, but far contrary to the laws of man: "JUST DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!!!"
Unfortunately, during our battle with the kobalds, we lost 3.2 gallons of Chevron Premium with Techron and some chapters of the spell book were burned away. So I am unable to report what the outcome of Rage's charms will be in any situation. But there will be powerful effects on the other drivers and their cars even if you cannot see the results. Often, it's delayed boils or frequent urination, or maybe the water pump will explode. Anyway, the point is to stick with it and afflict those other drivers. Oh, none of this will work if you have any stupid bumper stickers on your car, or anything dangling from your rear-view mirror. This sort of crap may add "personality" to your vehicle, but it interferes with the flow of mystical energies that you need to harness in order for these incantations to properly afflict other drivers.

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posted at 10:24 AM

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